The Choice Effect -- How Do Limitless Options Impa
Whom we date, where we live, what we do, when we settle down -- more than ever before, our generation's options seem limitless. Yet as much as we love having choices, we hate to choose just one boyfriend, one city to live in, one job. Sound like you? Then you're probably a "choister," the term 28-year-old authors Amalia McGibbon, Lara Vogel and Claire A. Williams coined in their book, "The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many Options."
The three friends describe a choister as "a person who is inundated with choices and thinks the world is his or her oyster." We've been raised to believe that we can have it all, they say, and are so hypnotized by all of our shiny options we can't imagine turning any of them down.
That's all well and good when it comes to searching for the perfect job and the perfect city, but how about the search for the perfect guy? We're engaging in relationships differently nowadays, the ladies write, taking our time and continuing to "search far beyond when past generations would have given up on Mr. Right and given in to Mr. Persistent" -- all (hopefully) for the guarantee of a happier happily ever after. They write:
"You know how they say 'live like there's no tomorrow'? Well, we love like there are an indefinite amount of tomorrows. Because the truth is, there are! There are 365 days in a year, which means that if you're married for fifty years, that's 18,250 mornings you're waking up to your spouse's face. So you better be SO FUCKING happy with that face. And this, ladies and gents, is among the many considerations that go into choister love."
So what does this mean for your romantic future? We chatted with author Amalia McGibbon about the choice effect and what it means for love in the time of choisters. (Please read on: After our interview, you'll find out how you could win one of three prize packages worth $500 -- and one includes an iPhone! -- that the authors are giving away.)
Loveawake: What is "the choice effect"?
McGibbon: The "choice effect" refers to the impact an overabundance of options has on our love lives.
Is our generation paralyzed by our options?
We make tons of choices. In my case: move to London, write a book, be in a serious relationship for six years. So it's not that we're stuck or flopping about aimlessly, it's just the "permanent" or "forever" commitments -- not where to live, but where to settle down; not who to date, but who to marry -- that we're taking our time with. And that's an important distinction for those critics who say 20-somethings are paralyzed by their options or simply treading water, because I think if you take a closer look you'll see that the opposite is true. It's not that we've been stopped in our tracks -- it's just that we're heading down five at the same time.
Do you think we're afraid to commit to a relationship without a guarantee, whereas past generations might have been more likely to commit first, and then worry about making it work?
You either try to work out the kinks beforehand, or you work out the kinks after, and I think choisters are very much trying to make things perfect before they put the ring on. I think because of how many of our parents marriages didn't last, we are critical of our relationships and are holding them to a very high standard. I think we want to be very assured of the person and I think we are sensitive to the problems in our relationships -- perhaps we're oversensitive sometimes -- and we want to make the right decision, to be as happy as possible for as long as possible.
Does that make us control freaks?
A little bit, certainly! I think we're trying to engineer the future we're told we could have, and I think a lot of young people have gotten as far as they have because they've been perfectionists and exerted a lot of control over their lives, and it's served them well so far. We have an idea of the life we could lead, and we really want to make that a reality.
Is that a good thing?
I think that does have us involving exerting too much control and it can be problematic. You can't control life -- you could marry Mr. Right in a year, and he could have a heart attack. But I also think it makes some sense to work really hard and have some control over the situation, so that it works out the way you want.
Do you think that makes us happier than previous generations?
I do think it results in more long-term happiness. Because I do think we are thinking through decisions more than past generations. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think it's a mistake to really think -- to think through things once, even twice. Rather overthink than underthink it.
In "The Choice Effect," you talk about Lori Gottlieb's "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," which urges women to overthink less and stop being so picky when it comes to men. Do you feel like your stance on choice is the opposite of what she's preaching?
Loveawake
I think what's interesting is that it's not that we would argue with a lot of her observations or facts -- it's that we have a really different interpretation of it. She feels like the way that young women are living today is very risky. We look at it as, it's risky in a way, but worth it. She thinks you're doing everything wrong. We think you're doing everything right.
I also think that she feels that young women today are kind of naïve and nitpicky creatures, and we think that they are thoughtful, risk-aware people. We decide if the gamble is worth it. If love is a blackjack game, she thinks that young women don't know the rules, but we would counter that we do understand the rules, and that actually we've been counting cards the whole time. And I don't think she gives young women enough credit. I think Lori, as a 25-year-old, wasn't thinking about a biological clock or timeline, so, at 40, when it all kind of crashed down on her, she thought, Oh I wish I knew that then. But I think that young women these days are well aware. I don't think any of that is lost on us.
Do you think there's an ideal age to settle down?
No. I don't think there's value in declaring a number. Because I think it only serves to make you tense and rush things. I don't think it's good if you're stuck and not moving forward in any way, but I think I don't think it's very helpful to assign a deadline.
So you don't think there's a danger in finding ourselves 70 years old, having tried it all in our attempts to have it all, but ending up alone?
I think we hear the biological clock ticking, and we want to have families. We want forward movement and we know what paralysis looks like and we know when we're stuck. I think we're aware enough that we won't find ourselves in that track.
On a personal level, how did you, Lara, and Claire manage to find or make time for relationships, considering you're doing fellowships abroad, running multiple marathons and writing a book!? You've had a lot on your plates.
That's a really good question, because many of us choisters are trying to do a lot in any given day -- maybe work two jobs (the one that pays, and the one that fulfills), travel whenever we get the chance, participate in a Yaya Sisterhood with five best friends, be in a loving, healthy relationship, etc. -- and there's the possibility that one of those endeavors, if not all of them, might suffer for it. But they say if you need something done, ask a busy person to do it. You determine what you could use less of (Perez Hilton, sleep), and figure out ways to either be more economical with your time or, in the case of romantic relationships, give things other than your time. As in, I've just spent the last few hours doing publicity for "The Choice Effect" instead of going to see a movie with my boyfriend, but I had breakfast waiting for him this morning when he woke up, so points gained! Love conveyed!
So, you need to make your relationship a priority in order to make it work.
Yes, you do have to prioritize your relationship in the end. And yes, that's something you learn quickly, and something you need to remember always. But I have also learned that remembering that is easier when you find a partner who really does support your choices and shares the same priorities. And as choisters, we've decided it's more important to date around until you find that compatibility than to make sure you've got a ring on your finger by 26.
The three friends describe a choister as "a person who is inundated with choices and thinks the world is his or her oyster." We've been raised to believe that we can have it all, they say, and are so hypnotized by all of our shiny options we can't imagine turning any of them down.
That's all well and good when it comes to searching for the perfect job and the perfect city, but how about the search for the perfect guy? We're engaging in relationships differently nowadays, the ladies write, taking our time and continuing to "search far beyond when past generations would have given up on Mr. Right and given in to Mr. Persistent" -- all (hopefully) for the guarantee of a happier happily ever after. They write:
"You know how they say 'live like there's no tomorrow'? Well, we love like there are an indefinite amount of tomorrows. Because the truth is, there are! There are 365 days in a year, which means that if you're married for fifty years, that's 18,250 mornings you're waking up to your spouse's face. So you better be SO FUCKING happy with that face. And this, ladies and gents, is among the many considerations that go into choister love."
So what does this mean for your romantic future? We chatted with author Amalia McGibbon about the choice effect and what it means for love in the time of choisters. (Please read on: After our interview, you'll find out how you could win one of three prize packages worth $500 -- and one includes an iPhone! -- that the authors are giving away.)
Loveawake: What is "the choice effect"?
McGibbon: The "choice effect" refers to the impact an overabundance of options has on our love lives.
Is our generation paralyzed by our options?
We make tons of choices. In my case: move to London, write a book, be in a serious relationship for six years. So it's not that we're stuck or flopping about aimlessly, it's just the "permanent" or "forever" commitments -- not where to live, but where to settle down; not who to date, but who to marry -- that we're taking our time with. And that's an important distinction for those critics who say 20-somethings are paralyzed by their options or simply treading water, because I think if you take a closer look you'll see that the opposite is true. It's not that we've been stopped in our tracks -- it's just that we're heading down five at the same time.
Do you think we're afraid to commit to a relationship without a guarantee, whereas past generations might have been more likely to commit first, and then worry about making it work?
You either try to work out the kinks beforehand, or you work out the kinks after, and I think choisters are very much trying to make things perfect before they put the ring on. I think because of how many of our parents marriages didn't last, we are critical of our relationships and are holding them to a very high standard. I think we want to be very assured of the person and I think we are sensitive to the problems in our relationships -- perhaps we're oversensitive sometimes -- and we want to make the right decision, to be as happy as possible for as long as possible.
Does that make us control freaks?
A little bit, certainly! I think we're trying to engineer the future we're told we could have, and I think a lot of young people have gotten as far as they have because they've been perfectionists and exerted a lot of control over their lives, and it's served them well so far. We have an idea of the life we could lead, and we really want to make that a reality.
Is that a good thing?
I think that does have us involving exerting too much control and it can be problematic. You can't control life -- you could marry Mr. Right in a year, and he could have a heart attack. But I also think it makes some sense to work really hard and have some control over the situation, so that it works out the way you want.
Do you think that makes us happier than previous generations?
I do think it results in more long-term happiness. Because I do think we are thinking through decisions more than past generations. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think it's a mistake to really think -- to think through things once, even twice. Rather overthink than underthink it.
In "The Choice Effect," you talk about Lori Gottlieb's "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," which urges women to overthink less and stop being so picky when it comes to men. Do you feel like your stance on choice is the opposite of what she's preaching?
Loveawake
I think what's interesting is that it's not that we would argue with a lot of her observations or facts -- it's that we have a really different interpretation of it. She feels like the way that young women are living today is very risky. We look at it as, it's risky in a way, but worth it. She thinks you're doing everything wrong. We think you're doing everything right.
I also think that she feels that young women today are kind of naïve and nitpicky creatures, and we think that they are thoughtful, risk-aware people. We decide if the gamble is worth it. If love is a blackjack game, she thinks that young women don't know the rules, but we would counter that we do understand the rules, and that actually we've been counting cards the whole time. And I don't think she gives young women enough credit. I think Lori, as a 25-year-old, wasn't thinking about a biological clock or timeline, so, at 40, when it all kind of crashed down on her, she thought, Oh I wish I knew that then. But I think that young women these days are well aware. I don't think any of that is lost on us.
Do you think there's an ideal age to settle down?
No. I don't think there's value in declaring a number. Because I think it only serves to make you tense and rush things. I don't think it's good if you're stuck and not moving forward in any way, but I think I don't think it's very helpful to assign a deadline.
So you don't think there's a danger in finding ourselves 70 years old, having tried it all in our attempts to have it all, but ending up alone?
I think we hear the biological clock ticking, and we want to have families. We want forward movement and we know what paralysis looks like and we know when we're stuck. I think we're aware enough that we won't find ourselves in that track.
On a personal level, how did you, Lara, and Claire manage to find or make time for relationships, considering you're doing fellowships abroad, running multiple marathons and writing a book!? You've had a lot on your plates.
That's a really good question, because many of us choisters are trying to do a lot in any given day -- maybe work two jobs (the one that pays, and the one that fulfills), travel whenever we get the chance, participate in a Yaya Sisterhood with five best friends, be in a loving, healthy relationship, etc. -- and there's the possibility that one of those endeavors, if not all of them, might suffer for it. But they say if you need something done, ask a busy person to do it. You determine what you could use less of (Perez Hilton, sleep), and figure out ways to either be more economical with your time or, in the case of romantic relationships, give things other than your time. As in, I've just spent the last few hours doing publicity for "The Choice Effect" instead of going to see a movie with my boyfriend, but I had breakfast waiting for him this morning when he woke up, so points gained! Love conveyed!
So, you need to make your relationship a priority in order to make it work.
Yes, you do have to prioritize your relationship in the end. And yes, that's something you learn quickly, and something you need to remember always. But I have also learned that remembering that is easier when you find a partner who really does support your choices and shares the same priorities. And as choisters, we've decided it's more important to date around until you find that compatibility than to make sure you've got a ring on your finger by 26.
Abrikos
